Cut It Out

Ah, wow. This year has been so freaking crazy and it's still not over! I just started my Senior year in college! Say what?! It honestly didn't hit me that I'm almost done with my schooling career and going to be out in the "real world" within months, until I was sitting in my Senior Photo class. There are only six of us in there and the professor starts by saying "You're no longer students." 

Begin panic attack. 

Not really...but I did freak out a little. It's such a weird thought to me that I won't be going back to school next year because my whole life I've only known it as being in school the whole time. It'll definitely be something to get use to. I'm super excited to see what happens when I'm done. Hopefully I can find a sweet job and hopefully (please for the love of all sanity) move out of Arizona!! I've been saving up for awhile now so when I graduate I can have some money to fall back on and so I can travel. Those are my goals for now. Graduate, travel, land an awesome job, move out of AZ, smile. Should be interesting to see what really happens.

I've been so busy lately. I got through the scariest/hardest thing I've ever had to do in my whole life. That was definitely an experience that I wish upon no one. It honestly feels like someone else life. I can't explain it well, but when I think back through the beginning of this year, or even a few years ago, it feels like I'm remembering a stranger's life. I feel like a completely different person, which is good in it's own way, but it also makes me miss those other times. 

If there's one thing I have certainly learned this year though, it's you can't live in the past, you can't stress about the future, you just have to live for now. And I am honestly fully embracing that train of thought, as hard as it can be sometimes. I haven't been second guessing myself if I should say how I really feel to people or if I should do this or that, I just say it and I just do it. No more stressing myself out about what the other person might think or what could happen if I did this or that. I am just doing what makes me happy and what I feel what I want to do. If the other person doesn't like it or thinks I'm weird or this or that, then I don't care. I won't hold who I am back anymore just to please others. I'm not going to be a douche obviously, but I'm really sick and tired of people taking advantage of nicer people and not giving a shit about anyone besides themselves.

And you know what? With this whole train of thought and being zen and at peace with myself, I haven't felt as good before. And some of the best things, best memories, best people I've met, have come from me doing/saying exactly how I really felt and doing what I wanted without analyzing myself like I did before. I have more balls now to put myself out there and to take chances and I love it. That's what life is about. Taking chances and experiencing things. Sometimes it will go down the crapper, but when it turns out good, all those bad times are way worth it for the good. 

I am really learning to say goodbye to people this year too. As sad as it makes me, sometimes you have to cut ties with some people for the better good of yourself. It's the hardest thing for me because I always want to make everyone happy, but it's time I try and make myself happy. And the people around me should make me happy. I just recently put myself out there and just went for it and I am so happy I did. I met an amazing person who treats me nice and actually has manners. It's been awhile since I've felt excited and nervous. I don't really know what's going to happen, but I'm not going to worry about it. What happens will happen. For now, I am going to enjoy the moment!

I don't know if any of this makes any coherent sense. I'm just rambling because I can't sleep and have too many thoughts. Forgive me if it's boring. Maybe it'll help someone though. Hmm okay. Well I should try to sleep I guess. Maybe I'll ramble some more later. I'll end the novel for now :P