Cut It Out

Ah, wow. This year has been so freaking crazy and it's still not over! I just started my Senior year in college! Say what?! It honestly didn't hit me that I'm almost done with my schooling career and going to be out in the "real world" within months, until I was sitting in my Senior Photo class. There are only six of us in there and the professor starts by saying "You're no longer students." 

Begin panic attack. 

Not really...but I did freak out a little. It's such a weird thought to me that I won't be going back to school next year because my whole life I've only known it as being in school the whole time. It'll definitely be something to get use to. I'm super excited to see what happens when I'm done. Hopefully I can find a sweet job and hopefully (please for the love of all sanity) move out of Arizona!! I've been saving up for awhile now so when I graduate I can have some money to fall back on and so I can travel. Those are my goals for now. Graduate, travel, land an awesome job, move out of AZ, smile. Should be interesting to see what really happens.

I've been so busy lately. I got through the scariest/hardest thing I've ever had to do in my whole life. That was definitely an experience that I wish upon no one. It honestly feels like someone else life. I can't explain it well, but when I think back through the beginning of this year, or even a few years ago, it feels like I'm remembering a stranger's life. I feel like a completely different person, which is good in it's own way, but it also makes me miss those other times. 

If there's one thing I have certainly learned this year though, it's you can't live in the past, you can't stress about the future, you just have to live for now. And I am honestly fully embracing that train of thought, as hard as it can be sometimes. I haven't been second guessing myself if I should say how I really feel to people or if I should do this or that, I just say it and I just do it. No more stressing myself out about what the other person might think or what could happen if I did this or that. I am just doing what makes me happy and what I feel what I want to do. If the other person doesn't like it or thinks I'm weird or this or that, then I don't care. I won't hold who I am back anymore just to please others. I'm not going to be a douche obviously, but I'm really sick and tired of people taking advantage of nicer people and not giving a shit about anyone besides themselves.

And you know what? With this whole train of thought and being zen and at peace with myself, I haven't felt as good before. And some of the best things, best memories, best people I've met, have come from me doing/saying exactly how I really felt and doing what I wanted without analyzing myself like I did before. I have more balls now to put myself out there and to take chances and I love it. That's what life is about. Taking chances and experiencing things. Sometimes it will go down the crapper, but when it turns out good, all those bad times are way worth it for the good. 

I am really learning to say goodbye to people this year too. As sad as it makes me, sometimes you have to cut ties with some people for the better good of yourself. It's the hardest thing for me because I always want to make everyone happy, but it's time I try and make myself happy. And the people around me should make me happy. I just recently put myself out there and just went for it and I am so happy I did. I met an amazing person who treats me nice and actually has manners. It's been awhile since I've felt excited and nervous. I don't really know what's going to happen, but I'm not going to worry about it. What happens will happen. For now, I am going to enjoy the moment!

I don't know if any of this makes any coherent sense. I'm just rambling because I can't sleep and have too many thoughts. Forgive me if it's boring. Maybe it'll help someone though. Hmm okay. Well I should try to sleep I guess. Maybe I'll ramble some more later. I'll end the novel for now :P

Pooptasticness

Absolutely love that quote. It's exactly the mind frame I've been really trying to embrace this year. It'll happen. 

My last post was super lame-o sad-o. But it's also really freeing to just get it out. I'm not normally a depressed and sad person. I love to joke around and just be happy and have a good time. But I guess everyone goes through times that dampens their spirits a bit. I know by the end of this year, I will be such a stronger person than I was before and I'm thankful for that. 

Even though I've had to go through hell and back, everything that happens makes you who you are. I'd rather have some hiccups in the road and mistakes than to just live a safe and boring life where I tried nothing new. Every year my new years resolution is to try something new. Maybe I'm cheating by having the same resolution each year, but I don't care. I really want to live my life and experience everything that I can. 

I'm especially thankful for being able to experience so much with some really great people who are in my life. Some of them I don't get to see very much and I miss a lot, but it's always great talking with them whenever we get the chance. It's really the people in your life that can make it better or worse and I'm glad I have a few good people that make it much better and bearable. Maybe one day I can spend more time with the ones I can't right now, but for now I'm here and I'm determined to make this a better year. 

So yeah. Go out and live. And try to find some happiness in the day, no matter how poop-tastic it may be. I know, what a beautiful saying haha Poop-tastic!

Blah

I'm so tired of this shit. Life has just been way too hard this year. I seriously feel broken and I hate it. I can't seem to pull myself together or get happier and it makes me feel weak that I can't move past this sadness. 

I don't know what to do. 

Everything I try to make myself forget and to be happier, it's just a lie. I might smile on the outside, but I'm broken inside and I feel like I can't be fixed. I'm just holding onto the hope that one day in the future, I will be able to be happy again. Sincerely happy. It's been a long time since I've really felt happy deep down inside and I miss it. 

I guess if I'm at the lowest I can ever imagine possible, there is nothing else to do but pick up the pieces and try again. I really have been trying. It's just been so incredibly hard and lonely. I wish I had someone I could truly rely on and trust. Someone to go out with and make me forget all of this shit. I guess the only person you can ever truly count on is yourself though. I've been letting myself down lately and beating myself up, but I'm truly going to try and change. 

This next year I have a lot of plans, all of which include me finding myself and enjoying life. I really hope that can happen. Guess we will see. For now though, today just sucks balls and I'm going to go climb in bed and ignore the world.

End of my emo post..sorry. I just needed to get it out. Lame.

Story of My Life

Love it.

Mmmyes Pinky Up

Ahhh it's too cute! And fancy! If I had a dog I'd dress him like this every time I took him out. What a stud.

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